Tired.
Eyes burn.
Watching the OSU/Washington game with Brad.
OSU's kicking ass.

I got some CD's that a friend made yesterday in the mail, some Eels, and one of his "oddball" mixes. I love those. We have a CD burner, I just havent used it yet, I need to get Brad to show me how to change the format from mp3 to wav and how to use the burner. I'd like to make CD's for people as gifts.

Josi came over and hung out with me & Brad today. I enjoyed having her around. I feel relaxed around her. I wanted her to see our place. We went to the "Last Fling" (a local fest), looked at all the cute little kids, enjoyed the weather, petting all the dogs, and eating festival food.
Brad & I decided we are going to volunteer on the weekends to our local Humane Society. We need dogs in our life. I mentioned to him maybe we could tell our neighbors we are available for dog sitting. Brad so happy to see dogs today, he made so many doggie friends. Kids & dogs love Brad.

Josi brought her tarot cards and gave me a reading. I trust her, she isnt a bullshitter. I'm such a mush ball. I got a little weepy. We sent her home with some of Brad's homemade soap.

Oh yeah and I got my hair cut. I like it shorter, more manageable since I really don't do much to it. It looks more polished this way...I think it looked more unkempt longer. Its "kickier" this way too.

Anxiety dreams:

Last night I dreamt I took off my bra and forgot I didnt have one on.
I was wearing a white tight tshirt and walked up to this group of people I was meeting, as I walked up and remembered I had no bra on and was ABSOLUTELY MORTIFIED!!!
*these mamas need to be in a bra in public at ALL TIMES*

The night before I dreamt Brad woke me up at 4am and wanted me to read something, he kept talking to me and pestering me until I was so mad I wanted to hit him, not just hit him but pummel him. Then I dreamt I dreamt he did that and was telling him and he got all quiet because it wasnt a dream and he really did that. I woke up really aggravated like it really happened. So I told Brad I was mad at him but that I was over it now, and told him the dream, and the dream I had a dream that it was real.

The night before that I dreamt I missed my waxing appt for that day. See I am usually not a bubble-head, but I missed my last appt right before I went on vacation. I had put the date in wrong in my daytimer, and I felt horrible when they called. Cause I love my waxist Elaine. So anyway, I dreamt I missed it again and this time I just felt AWFUL, really bad about it. Then I dreamt that I dreamt that and realized that my appt was at 1:30 and 1:30 hadn't happened yet. So I went on doing stuff in my dream then looked up at the clock and it was 1:30 and I MISSED IT AGAIN. So then I felt doubly bad!! Then I really woke up, realized it was just a dream and a dream of a dream but still felt really bad.

Website Weds

Magnum PI
office space game
Get grandma to the bag of chips before the old man
Magic Shadow
Ooooohhh sh la la la (Click on the horses - classic)
Real cool adventure game

Sunny & Martin sent us these beautiful flowers!!

I HATE LONG HALLWAYS!
I have a long hallway to the bathroom at work, and a long hallway from the elevator to the door I go in.

When a person is at the other end of the hall. We are obligated to smile, say hello, comment on the weather or day of the week. I HATE THAT.
I even hate it when nothing is said and we are both wondering if we are an asshole for not saying anything.
I hate rhetorical questions like "how are you", I know to always say fine so we both can keep moving on. Or when some guy makes a lame comment about "hump day" "long week" or "yay its friday", then so I am not perceived as a bitch I have to nod in agreement slightly chuckling with at least a half to full smile.
I HATE FORCED CONVERSATION!
I HATE THE PRESSURE!!

When we walk by and say something or not, I make one of my usual overly animated grimaces after we pass. Squinching up my eyes as if in pain.

Short halls are fine, you dont have the long time to be aware of another presence and forced into acknowledge them. You can get away with it. But in the long halls, you have the long walk facing each other. UGH!!

I have actually come out of the bathroom, and hid in the nook of another doorway seeing someone else in the hall. Cause if they saw me, they might feel obligated to hold the door for me, which would then obligate me to walking fast or a light jog so as to not hold them up. Then of course we would be obligated into some comment of sorts...a simple "thanks" and "you're welcome" just won't do!
So I hide like an idiot. Or actually turn the corner like I am going the other way instead of the way of the person, giving them time to pass before I turn around and go where I was really going.

I had a busy weekend.
Was on call and the in-laws were in town.
Work kept me busy.
Went in today from 6am - 2.

So when I came home was ready for a nap.
Laying on the bed
feeling that bliss feeling.
I felt like Goliath was laying in between us
like he usually did
with his ass up towards us.
That family feeling.
Laying together
taking a nap during the weekend.

Brad got up to dress for dinner.
Turned on the shower
waiting for the water to warm up.
I could hear Goliath lapping up shower water.
Whenever we got in the shower he would stand with us and we would pour water from the shower into his mouth as we waited for the water to heat up.

When Brad came back to bed I told him.
I told him when I spray my hairspray or put on baby powder I instinctively hear Goliath snort/sneeze. Little "fffts" sounding noises.
When ever he would make that sound a lot of time Brad and I would make that sound to. Going around the room with little "fffts" sounds. Teasing him.
We smiled remembering this.

Website Weds

Flash Mountain
Where's Ed been?
Bike kid falls on his face
HOLY CRAP! Skateboarding video

Today wasn't too bad.
Got weepy a few times.
In the bathroom at work, driving home from the train station.

Tonight I smeared mascara on Brad's chest while we watched Nip/Tuck.
I was laughing while I was crying.
I do that sometimes.
I laugh at weird times.
At Six Flags on the rides, other people were screaming, but you could hear me laughing loud above their screams. At one point I couldnt stop laughing, I couldnt breathe and thought I was gonna get sick. It made Brad laugh too.
I'm looking forward to his parents visiting.

I had lunch with Navin. We went to Elephant & Castle. When we got back to our building, he got me a Neil Gaiman book Neverwhere and a gorgeous bouquet of gerber daisies and snap dragons. I told him he was gonna get me all weepy being so sweet like that to me.

I'm at work today.
Yesterday I stayed so busy, laundry, dishes, bedsheets, errands, washing and polishing things. I took his food bowl, water bottle and cage in the basement, broke down in sobs, got it together and just cleaned more.
Towards the end of the day I ran out of things to do and started crying.
Brad and I had a good day, we were there for each other, thinking about each other. We looked through the photo album yesterday for all his pictures, and talked about him through out the day. Remembering different funny stories and things we did together.
I'm just so mad he is gone.
I want to hear his clicking nails on the tile floor following me.
I want to hear his barks.
I want to feel his warm fur.
I want my goofy, poop eating dog back!!
I still sob and cover my face.
I can think about him sometimes without crying.
I just cant talk about him without crying.

Brad's parents are in town tomorrow.
It's a good thing.
They will keep us busy.
Brad & his dad are going fishing on Friday.

Brad and I have really been working together well.
The first day I kicked in, worried about him, sorry for him.
Making him eat, getting food, kissing him all over his face and hugging him.
Yesterday he did the same for me.

Im glad we were there for him to say goodbye. I would regret it if I didn't. It was peaceful. The sedative kicked in right away and he went to sleep. We heard him breathe some more. Then he was injected with the fluid, and immediately gone. I covered my face from the people in waiting area as we left. I took the vets tissues with me.

We have a few of his favorite toys out, and his collar. We have the blanket my friend Josi made him lying on his snack rug by the fireplace. We went through the photo album, listened to his bark on audblog, watched that tape Brad made of him. His fur is all over the house.
Brad is going to donate his dog food and his newer or unused toys to the dog shelter today.

I cant stand thinking he is gone.
I keep pretending he is still here.
That he laying on the floor next to our bed, that he is right behind me following me around.
It makes me feel better.

Today was our last day with Goliath.
We knew it was coming, just not today.
We are taking it very hard.
Im working from home tomorrow.

We took him to the animal hospital, and was hoping they would tell us he had fluid that they could drain to make him feel better.
No fluid, just cancer.
And its been spreading fast.

We said our goodbyes and stayed with him.
They left us alone in the room with him after he took his last breath.
We just cant imagine life without him in it right now.

We watched a short tape Brad made of him, and held his collar crying and holding each other. I've never seen Brad cry so hard.

We just have so many memories.
I love you Goliath.

audblog audio post

Goliath's album

Everyday is up and down. When the dog feels good so do I, when he drags...I drag. I dragged today. I just wanted to stay in bed. But I was hungry. I wanted to want to get out of bed. Eventually I made it and we went out in the sweltering heat to a small dive we been wanting to check out. The place was owned by Greeks, which is usally a very good sign. His hot dogs were eh, but the gyro was great, so was my BLT.


Before we went out to eat, I put a flower in my hair. I thought a little bit a "flair" would do me good. We went to Border's, got a book about London. Went to PetSmart for some plants for our fish tank, and then to the grocery store to get stuff for hamurgers sometime this weekend. I think we are gonna watch The Truth About Charlie tonight, it's a remake of Charade.

Brad & I are going to Red Lobster for all you can eat crab!

Pictures from Six Flags yesterday.

Took the day off work and went to Six Flags to sweat my ass off.
I had the day scheduled off, but wasn't sure if we were gonna go or not, depending on how the dog was doing.
He has gotten better each day this week.
Today he even ate all of his meals, by himself, without us forcing him!!
He still isnt as good as when we left for vacation...but much better.

Had breakfast at White Castle.
I hadn't been to Six Flags before. I think we like Cedar Point in Ohio better.
I think they had more rides. However BIG BONUS POINTS FOR SIX FLAGS for having air conditioned bathrooms!! I had my first taste of Dippin' Dots. Brad & I split a small chocolate. It was good.

It was very humid. More crowded that I thought it would be. So we didn't get to ride all the rollercoasters, but still rode some. I just didnt feel like standing in line for over an hour in the heat with no shade. I get over heated and have to take breaks, go in and get a drink. I am built for comfort, not for speed.

We did good, we were there for 6-7 hours.
Listened to the news on the car radio on the way home to hear about the blackouts.
I couldnt believe it. I thought I was hearing them wrong.
I still can't believe it.
Called to check in on family in Ohio and Michigan. Brad's family in Toledo, Ohio was slightly affected but not too bad. Their electricity wasn't off for long, even though other parts of Toledo are still out.

Dog didnt make any messes in the house while we were gone.
Now that he is eating more, he seems to be getting more energy and feeling better.

Dog update

Doing better.
Still low appetite, but eating some.
Energy has gotten a bit better, we havent had to carry him up the stairs anymore.
We are now wondering if maybe while we were gone the pet hotel place didnt give him his meds.
Cause it isn't easy to do. Like maybe they just put it in his food, and he ate around it.
Not sure.
Or maybe being away from us for a week he just gave up. Like when of an older couple a spouse dies and the other spouse follows soon after. My first dog gave up just weeks after we got married and I moved out from my mom's house and into a house with Brad.
Not sure.
He is doing better, not great, but better.
We talk to him a lot more now.
Stop what we are doing to say hi to him.
Brad fed him 2 tins of sardines last night and some cantaloupe.
It was the only thing we could get him to eat.
Today he had an open face peanut butter sandwich, and some canned dog food.

Website Weds

Beatallica - Beatles tunes, done Metallica style
Prank with pics
Napster bits
Some odd Austrian song & video
Whack-a-mole

Goliath hasn't been doing well.
This has been going on for awhile now...since March.

Im doing better today because he seemed a bit better last night then he was the day before.
When we picked him up from the pet motel after the vacation, his back legs were weak.
I kept making excuses for it.
"Maybe he just didnt move around much while we were gone."
His eyes and face looked fine.
So I decided he was fine.

He didnt want to eat his kibble that night.
He has trouble getting up on the sofa with us, like he wasnt even trying to use his back legs.
We sat with him and petted him, we were happy to see him again after our vacation.
We went upstairs to go to bed, he slowly started to follow us.
He didnt even make it halfway up.
Looked really sad up at me, and then slid backwards about 3 or 4 steps.
Broke my heart.
He looked so helpless.
I told Brad what happened, and he went down and carried Goliath upstairs.
Then it hit me, that it was his cancer.
He is no longer in remission.
I watched TV trying not to think about it.
His breathing is labored. It sounds like snoring, but it isn't. It's him trying to breathe with a big lump pushing in the side of his neck.
I had trouble sleeping, and just kept crying.
I was trying to stop, so I didnt tell Brad about it, and just kept it quiet.
The next morning he had diarrhea.
I sat with him in the kitchen, petting him, kissing his head, telling him that I loved him and crying. I felt like this was going to be his last week with me. It still might be.
Since he wasn't eating I opened up a stinky can of dog food, he ate 1/2. He sounded like he had trouble breathing while eating, he was loud.

Brad got up early. The dog was on his mind too. He got up to check on him, and sat downstairs with him. He told me the dog seemed a bit better. Still over sized lumps, labored breathing, diarrhea, lack of appetite...but a little more light in his eyes, a little more strength in his back legs.

Last night he even jumped up on the bed by himself once.
But I think it wore him out. He tried again later after jumping off to check on Brad, and he couldnt. I tried cheerleading him, but then left him alone. I think it made him sick in his stomach, cause he puked up a bunch of unchewed dog food he inhaled still fully intact.
He laid on the bed while Brad cleaned it up. I pet his head, giving him kisses on his face.
Brad spent a lot of time yesterday cleaning up pee, puke and diarrhea.

He didnt eat his breakfast at all this morning. I tried holding the bowl for him, he cowered away from it, not interested.

Brad said he gets all choked up too, thinking about bringing him to the vet for the last time. We have had some time since he first got cancer, and knew his time would be limited. Time for us to prepare. But you just cant prepare. My jaw hurt Monday from gritting my teeth from trying to stop getting weepy at work. My throat hurt from choking it back. I just wanted to ignore it. Talk to other people about themselves, keep busy to keep my mind off of it.

No more chemo, no more surgeries. Only the daily pills we have been giving him.

His time is very limited. I keep looking at old pictures I have taken of him. The good times we had. I'm not ready to give them up.

I felt angry after work yesterday. Road rage. Wanted to run people over and yell.

Our house will be so empty without him. Im so used to him being at the foot of our bed. Feeling his whiskers on the back of my legs following me from room to room. Cuddling with us in bed. Always happy to see us.

Im getting really good at crying without making any noises.

Most people spray weeds with weed killer.
My husband sprays weeds with a flame thrower.

I posted pictures from the Florida trip here

Brad & I just got back from vacation last night.

We went to Fort Walton Beach Florida, with about 20 family members from my mother's side.
We split a condo with my sister Sunny and her family. I got to babysit a couple mornings so she could go on the beach with the family, and stayed in with my nephew. It was a treat, I wanted some alone time with him anyway. I got to feed him, play with him, and sing him to sleep. He has grown so much since I had seen him...since his baptism. He is VERY squirmy, I had to feed him as he wandered around with me following him. He laughs a lot and very easily.
My other nephew Dylan is 6, we did get some moments with him too, but he was very occupied with the game cube my cousin Lesa brought for him and her son Justin to play with. It was nice seeing all the kids play together, they dont see each other very often, but they still remember and feel so comfortable and familiar with each other. I love watching them.

I played with the kids in the pool, had them hanging on me, splashing me, doing dives off my shoulders. And I enjoyed it too. Since we don't have kids, I get to enjoy everyone elses kids.

I got a little burn on the top of my arms, but not bad. And got a ton of new freckles. I wore the 50+ kids sweatproof/waterproof sunblock. I burn like a cheap cigar otherwise.

One morning in the ocean, Brad lost his glasses. So we went to Wal-Mart and got him another pair that same day. It sucked loosing his glasses..but I thought it was good to get a change anyway. We picked out some new frames that I really like on him.

Brad went fishing one day with my brother-in-law, Martin.
He caught five fish that were big enough to keep and eat, had to throw back about four or five mingo snappers, and an equal number of red snappers that were too small.
He caught two triggerfish. Very mild, but had a delicious savory flavor.
He caught two mingo snappers. Also known as vermillion snapper. This was almost as good tasting as the triggerfish.
And caught a monster 5 or 6 pound red snapper. It was almost two feet long, and the filets were probably over a foot long!
We fried up the fish the next day for lunch. Very delicious.

I am not much of a fish eater. So this was a big deal. I ate tons of snow crab legs, red snapper, grouper and shrimp all week long and loved it. My tastes are expanding. I ripped apart those crab legs with gusto too, pulling out long pieces of meat like a pro once Brad showed me how. Brad & I found a hidden place on a pier that was a market and restaurant with fresh off the boat fish. We got 2lbs of shrimp and a lb of snow crab legs and brought them back to the condo to eat for lunch.

Im happy with my vacation. I spent time with family, and still had alone time with Brad. I ate great meals, and swam everyday.

This morning, I really felt like going to hang out in the pool. But...no pool here. I love just floating around in the water. I can float in the water without barely having to tread water. It's just so relaxing.

We are gonna go grab some lunch at Fudruckers, and then go pick up Goliath, and let him pick out a treat to take home with him.

I will post some pics later.

I keep thinking I see things more from the corner of my eye.
So I stare and wait for it to move again.
It doesnt.
More than usual lately.

Dog update:
He had his stitches taken out yesterday.
Still taking chemo pills and will continue.
The last surgery was to remove a cancerous lymph node on his neck 3 weeks ago.
Now another one has come out on the other side of his neck.
Just as large as the last one, about the size of an egg.
No more surgeries.
We cant keep cutting him open every couple of months to remove stuff as they show up. Stuff keeps coming up. The pills will help slow the cancer a bit. So we will just keep doing that, and see how it goes.
When Goliath was first diagnosed, the vet said even with treatment he might live 4 months. It's been 4 months, and he is still doing fine. He is eating, playing, barking. A happy dog. The vet said he is doing good, but again thinks we will be lucky if he makes it to the end of the year.
He is just trying to manage our expectations, so we can plan for it, so maybe it will ease the pain a little when it happens.

I'm happy things worked out the way they are. That Brad isn't working so he can stay home with him. Getting more company and more attention then we were able to give him before.

He does have some poop problems. He KEEPS POOPING IN THE HOUSE!!
We let him out before we go out, and we can be gone for 30 minutes and come back and find poop on the floor. Luckily he takes hard firm shits! When I let him out in the morning, I keep telling him to go. He runs out and does a short pee. I know he just wants his food and is rushing. So nope...I want more. He starts getting mad at me, steps one paw onto the grass then shoots me a nasty glare like "are you happy?!?" and then runs back to the door. I have to be diligent. So then he starts barking at me, yelling at me that he doesnt have to go. (Yeah right), so after this routine every morning...then he finally goes poop, and I usually get another pee out of him too.
I dont know what his deal is.
He has weird anxieties.
Brad went out this morning for 20 minutes came home and was slapped in the face with stench. I call him poopy, short for sir poopsalot.

Brad update
Brad is doing well.
Has a new career lead that we are both really excited about.
GIS

This is a perfect match for him, he is all about collecting data. Loves databases, wheresgeorge.com kinda stuff, loves maps, and working with numbers. He could take classes for a year and in the meantime do an internship.
It would be a pay cut, but only for a year, and we think this could be something he could really love. So its worth it.
He has already been spending time with professors at DePaul that teach it, and networking and getting his name out. They have been very helpful and seem impressed with his enthusiasm.

So nothing set in stone yet, but it looks like the direction we are going.